How To Stop Arguments
I’ve borrowed – and tampered with – this one from (The Great) Phil Parker, because I think it’s so important.
Thanks, Phil!
There are plenty of examples of conflict and arguing around us, maybe in our daily life, and certainly in the news. Conflicts are generally not a great use of our energy and time; they can be damaging to our relationships and our self-esteem; so resolving them while keeping track of our own sense of self and our values is important.
What causes conflict?
Conflict is often caused by that horrible feeling that none of us like – that someone is accusing us of being WRONG in some way; we’ve failed, or broken a rule, or we are somehow not enough. We hate that.
Solution
1. Get Perspective: imagine you’re floating over the situation like a bird – how does it look from up here? Take a step back and detach from the emotions. When someone feels ‘wrong’ they are likely to attack you and try and make you feel ‘wrong’
2. Stay Calm: if you’ve already done the Lightning Process you will know just what to do! If you haven’t you may have some ideas up your sleeve involving breathing and relaxing your body
3. Be Compassionate Towards The Other Person: recognise that something has triggered them to feel this way; it may be nothing to do with you, and may not be what you intended, but that’s how they’re experiencing it
4. Look for Your Common Purpose: you can usually find aims, goals or values that you already share and can agree on; this takes wisdom and maturity but I reckon you’re the person for the job!
If we take war as an extreme example, and we asked both sides what they really wanted, they’d probably say something like this:
“I just want a place for my family to live in peace”
That is their common goal
I hope these ideas will help you get a new perspective on any areas of conflict in your life